Thursday, March 7, 2013
Journal Entry - There's no place like home.
So often we get caught up in the rat race of life and forget to take time for ourselves. We have job responsibilities, familial responsibilities, financial responsibilities, relational responsibilities, parental responsibilities, and the list goes on. It just gets to be too much at times to the point where when we get a free moment we would rather sit mindless than to do something for ourselves. I don't mean do something monetary like buy a new outfit or go out to eat at a nice restaurant. While that has its place and should be done whenever possible, I think we need something that will give us a measure of rest. Many people don't think that men think this way, but for me, I need to take time to make my immediate surroundings comfortable - my apartment into a home. It's time for me to put up some decorations, paint the walls, and finish the several undone projects around the house. Where I live is supposed to be my sanctuary. It's supposed to be the place I go to recharge my batteries; but when there are bland colored walls, decorations stacked up in the corner, and random clutter strewn about, it makes the sanctuary feel more like a storage space and is quickly dismissed as another source of stress. When I dismiss it for too long, sensory adaptation kicks in, it becomes the new norm for me and I don't even realize how bad it really is. It's amazing how just a little bit of work each day on my immediate environment with the intent of making it more comfortable for me will do wonders for my mood while I'm there.
There’s something to be said about having/creating a place that’s all your own. Many people talk about it but few actually do it for lack of knowing themselves well enough. How can you create something you like without first knowing what you like? I mean when you're in your own space, don't you want to be able to relax and enjoy whatever leisure activity suits you without thinking about what more needs to be done around the house; or have company over without giving much thought to the appearance of your home? The reality is that this gets overlooked because of stress. There are countless times after a hard day at work and dealing with life such as it is that I come home to a messy undone house and immediately get frustrated. The problem is that in those times I'm often just too stressed to care. Several times I have washed clothes only to continually pull from the clean clothes pile until it’s gone, drank from the carton in the fridge instead of washing a glass, or looked at an undone do-it-yourself project in contempt as if it were supposed to fix itself - and promptly walked away. Other times though, I've come home to a clean and tidy home and felt relief because there was very little or nothing at all left to do. It's a great feeling and one less stress on my plate.
I urge you to take as much time as possible to do a little something to improve your surroundings. Get a plant, paint a wall, put up a new picture, break a project up into several bite-sized tasks. Just do something! Make your environment represent who you are. Even if all you do is make sure that your space is clean and tidy, it will be enough to provide you with a place where you can unwind. If you happen to live with someone that makes such a thing impossible, just choose one room in the house as yours and take care of that room. If you have no other option than to escape into your mind wherein you can imagine your perfect place, do it! Meditate on peaceful, happy, and prosperous things. There will come a day when you will have a space of your own and if you’ve already imagined it in your mind it will be that much easier to make it into a reality. Bottom line, find and create a place all your own wherein you can free your mind and relax. No one else will take care of you like you will so get crackin'! You'll be glad you did.
The last several days have been pretty interesting. Yesterday I decided to take the day off from work. I just didn't feel like going in. Sometimes a person has to take time for themselves. The problem was that I got nothing done, but I guess that's the point of taking a leisure day off from work. However, it got me to thinking about my surroundings and led me to the conclusion that I need to make my house feel more like a home. It's too sterile. I've way too many unfinished projects and clutter sitting around. I just get so stressed out from life and when I come home from doing maintenance, the last thing I want to do is more maintenance. It's just a bit embarrassing to look like I just moved into an apartment that I've been living in for over a year. It’s time for a little sprucing up around the Semaj household.
Then, a couple of days ago, to keep consistent with my string of good fortune, my car got broken into again resulting in a broken window and the loss of my DeWalt drill and another $100 tool. WTF?! I just had to replace the damn window about a month or so ago. It's a good thing I was able to install it myself for $25 or I would have been furious considering it would've cost over $200 to have someone else do it. I guess I should just count my blessings. It just pisses me off because I have to spend money that I don't have to replace my drill considering I use it quite often. That drill can turn a 45-minute job into 15 when compared to using a screwdriver. Anyone who has ever had to screw a long screw into wood using a plain old screwdriver knows how frustrating it can be. Oh well. It could be worse. They could've stolen my car or worse...my stereo! I needs ma music!
Finally to cap it all off, in an unusual turn of events, my youngest son's mother (and soon to be ex-wife. Thank the Lord Baby Jesus in the manger) gave me back some of the child support money that she received. She did this because she knows that living on less than $300 every two weeks is nearly impossible for me, and while I am grateful for her decision to do this considering how low on funds I am, I worry that she will use this as leverage against me. She frequently uses various things she does for me against me later. If possible, I would just get a second job; but due to being on call 24/7 it’s not going to happen. I mean what job do you know that will allow you to just walk out in the middle of a shift to go do work for another job? I know! No job will allow that. Once I get more side jobs it will be better. However, I digress. I can't ignore her effort in the off chance that it's actually genuine. I am willing to admit I may perceive this as being worse than it really is because when looking through resentment/anger-colored glasses it's hard to see/believe the good in any situation. I just don't feel like she deserves for me to be nice to her. She's already walking away from this marriage looking like a saint. Now I wasn't innocent in our relationship by any means, but I wasn't the only one guilty. That woman has a tongue like a razor blade and I'm sure she has a venom sac somewhere in her throat - and fangs that come out like on True Blood with which she pierces my soul with intent to suck out my will. I do my best to show some respect to her though for the sake of my son considering that's his mother. It's challenging though.
Until next time…
Posted by Semaj