Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Journal Introduction

Today I embark on a new journey. Today I choose a path less traveled. Today I become transparent in the eyes of anyone who so chooses to see. My hope is that my story will help another person who has walked in my shoes; and perhaps give understanding to someone who is involved with someone who has walked in my shoes. You see, I believe that everyone wants to be able to look back on their life, regardless of age, sex, national origin, religion, etc and be happy with the decisions that they made. No one wants to play the woulda-coulda-shoulda game and live with regret. No one wants to feel like their life was a waste and that the world would've been better off if they had not been born. I have to admit that I have looked back…and I don't like what I see. While I am happy with who I am at my core, I am loathed to think about what would've been if I had made better decisions. However, I want to be a better person in the future; and to the extent I can, I want to help others do the same.

Me, now and age 4. 
For this reason I have decided to open myself up on a more personal level in my blog. I want to let people out there know that they are not alone in their struggle and things can get better! Admittedly, my life has not reached the point of "better". However, I have chosen to try and make that happen. There are many people out there who, like me, have been in many ways handed a raw deal in life and are left wanting when it comes to the help and support system necessary to thrive in a positive manner. Like me, they have tried desperately to be happy and to feel loved by another only to both hurt and be hurt by others. I don't propose to have the answers for anyone’s problems. Hell, I barely have the answers for my own. What I do have is a love for people, strong conviction, and a belief that true love, real friendship, and happiness exist for everyone if we so choose to pursue it. My thought is that by me being transparent, another person can benefit somehow by hearing my story. To this day, I still struggle, I still hurt, and I still long to find that happy place wherein I feel safe and loved. So, for those interested, lets struggle together.

From this point on I will be journaling my day to day life as well as going over past events in my life and giving my thoughts on what I thought went wrong and right. Hopefully it will provide you with insight on what made me what I am. In addition to my day to day journaling, I will be blogging about topics that pertain to my life such as it is, staying true to what I have called Life Liquid as I have defined in my opening blog post. I'm still working on the specifics of how it will all work, but for now I ask that you read my words and know that they come from the very depths of my soul with the purpose of helping us all be better lovers, parents, friends, and citizens. 
My mother and me

That being said, let me end this first journal entry by giving you a little of my background. I was born November 5, 1976 in Seattle, WA. According to my mother I was a product of rape, so of course I know nothing of my father. Neither do I know any of his family - my family. I was raised the only black child in a family of white people. This of course was never really weird to me because it was all I ever knew. They all treated me no different than anyone else; and for that I am thankful. I am the oldest of four boys and one girl. My mother's first husband, the first and only man I ever called dad, beat both my mother and me routinely when he got drunk or whenever he felt it necessary, and is the father of my sister and oldest younger brother. My second stepfather, who is 10 years older than I, is the father of my two youngest brothers. He was a pretty cool dude as he was the complete opposite of my first stepfather. His issue, quite honestly, was that he was a bit of a “floppy cock” who didn’t really stand up for himself. My mother has a strong personality and walked all over him. I personally think she stayed with him because she knew he would never beat her and accepted her with three kids. They to this day, though not together physically, are still married. Don’t ask me why 'cause I have no idea.

Me at age 17
At the age of 18 my girlfriend of three years got pregnant with my daughter who was born on July of 1994. At 18 I joined the military and, being pressured by my local church, got married becoming a husband and father of two children. Yes, two children. My first wife had a son when we met who is four years older than my daughter. Approximately seven years later, at 25, I got divorced. Not long thereafter I had a rebound relationship with another woman with whom I had my first son who was born in September of 2002. We, having no future together, separated and I moved to Kansas City, MO where I met my second wife. We married in 2006 and she gave birth to my youngest son in July of 2009. Then in January 2011 we movd to DC. We have since divorced and I now live the "single life" where I have decided to work on me and help raise my son. For the record, I pay child support and I am involved in my children's lives to the extent geography and the mothers allow. 

There is of course more to the story but that's just a start. Over time I will give more information about my past as you follow along with me on my journey towards a better tomorrow. On this journey, I promise one thing - I will give you the raw truth and I hope you will walk away with something positive. Please feel free to comment or ask me any questions you want, as I am always willing to share. 

Until next time...

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